Are You Just Going to Stand There?
(And why can't I do the same?)
One of the big reasons that Ben is able to stand around is because the kids don’t “need” him in the mornings in the way that they “need” me. And by “need” I mean:
Mom can you read this book to me?
Mommy can I have a snuggle?
Mommy look at this!
Mom, I’m hungry.
Mommy, can you get me some clothes? I’m FREEZING!
Mom, can I use your phone to play a song?
Mommy is it a preschool day or a daycare day or a home day?
Mom, have you made my breakfast yet? I’m STARVING!
Mommy I need your help!
No one asks Ben for anything in the mornings unless they’re asking him about something they want packed in their lunches—and then it’s only because a conversation like this has happened first:
Teddy: Mommy, can I have a clementine in my lunch today?
Me: Remember, Daddy packs lunches so you need to ask him.
Teddy [speaking to Ben who is in the same room as us]: Daddy, can I have a clementine for lunch today?
[…]
Teddy: Hey Dad, can I have a clementine today?
[…]
Teddy: DAD?
[…]
Teddy: HEY DADDY! DADD!!!
[…]
Teddy: DADDDDDDY!!!!!!
[…]
Me: BEN! Teddy is talking to you! Can you please listen to him and respond?
[Rinse + repeat every day until the end of time.]
This is not to say that Ben doesn’t do any parenting tasks in the mornings. He makes lunches! He takes Charlie Mae to the bus stop! He takes Teddy to preschool or daycare! But just like so much of what we discuss here, his tasks are finite/one-and-done and mine are ongoing and never-ending (and relentless! I just want to pee in peace!).
Ben can go upstairs at 7:45am and do whatever the hell he wants (and make our bed, as he does every day now—thanks, Ben!) and no one asks him for a gosh darn thing. When I go upstairs I either have:
Two shadows right on my heels
Someone yelling my name from downstairs because they need something (even when I say, “Just a second! I’m getting dressed!”)
It’s exhausting. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
How are the mornings in your house?
xoxo,
Mary Catherine
I'm reading "Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward" by Gemma Hartley. 12/10 do recommend for all the Bens out there
Oh the getting frustrated because my husband doesn’t respond to my kid thing is SO REAL! After *many* conversations about this, I have come to a few realizations/reflections about how this shows up in my own family.
1.) My husband has adhd and sometimes genuinely believes he has said the thing out loud that he has said inside his head.
2.) It is especially triggering to me because my parents *frequently* ignored/talked over me/shifted focus to my older brothers (and still do! To this day! Even though we’re all grown-ups!) and my husband has seen this dynamic in practice and thinks it’s messed up. Which allows me to understand why it bothers me so much and allows him to understand why it bothers me so much 🤣
3.) Taking all of these things into account, I am now (not always, but certainly more than I used to) able to say calmly in a conversational tone, “hey, can you please respond to A’s question?”
But omg. JUST RESPOND! 🤦♀️